Expectations

Preamble. 

This is a quote from the celebrated English author, playwright and critic Cyril Connolly.

“Young writers if they are to mature require a period of between three and seven years in which to live down their promise. Promise is like the mediaeval hangman who after settling the noose, pushed his victim off the platform and jumped on his back, his weight acting a drop while his jockeying arms prevented the unfortunate from loosening the rope. When he judged him dead he dropped to the ground.”

-------------------------------------------

This last weekend was immensely enjoyable.  A trip down to Canberra for a long weekend of stick bashing and sword swinging during which Klara deservedly picked up her 2^nd Dan in Jodo.  From my perspective the weekend was just the right length: long enough to receive some priceless lessons but short enough not to feel burdensome.  The lessons I need to internalise I’ll mull over and post in the standalone pages. Instead I want to relate about some unease.

Our Seitei Sensei is a powerful 68 year old 7^th Dan Kyoshi in the three Seitei arts of Kendo, Jodo and Iaido.  He also has earned a Menkyo Kaiden scroll (the highest possible “Licence of Transmission") in Kage Ryu, has his own family style handed down through the generations and is skilled in some martial arts I’ve never even heard about.  He’s also had first hand experience in what a Katana can do to limbs since people with violent tendencies have been unfortunate enough to challenge him by threatening people he cares for.  He is, without a shadow of doubt in my mind, a scary man with a fierce temper and very hard to please.

This weekend just past he was in a good mood, though.  Yes, he has a very ‘English’ sarcastic streak, wields it as deftly as his katana and neatly trimmed people’s egos all weekend.  Including mine.  Having never learned the diplomatic art of keeping my mouth closed when I have a question to ask I often bear the brunt of him telling me I know nothing.  But on several occasions in this last year he’s nodded approval about something or other I’ve done and this is about all we’ve ever heard him utter in any form of approval for anyone.  It’s praise enough considering we receive the rough side of his tongue mostly.  This visit he’s roundly praised me twice – once in earshot of Klara and once in front of my Seitei teacher while we were practicing Midare Dome.  One sentiment was pure and the other (I think – but what do I know) was used as a blunt weapon to unfavourably compare my teacher’s level to mine and to humble him.

This is the rub.  I work hard at what I do but this is a ‘given’ knowing my character.  What I’m having a difficult time dealing with is ‘praise’ and being seen to be ‘praised’.  The first event can cause permanently elevated expectations and the second may create powerful, resentful enemies (not from my teacher but from other, influential higher grades).  Both of these creations are Monsters.

Cyril Connolly’s actual quote leading to the Preamble is:  “Those whom the Gods wish to destroy they first call promising”.  What I need to establish now is if I have to destroy these Monsters, let them gnaw at me or cohabitate with them as bosom budies.

I’ve this foreboding feeling this is another of his lessons.